Lost on the path

Busy, lazy, occupied, forgetful, the heat, who knows? Thoughts… they accompany me throughout those long run sessions. Thoughts of marathon day, memories of past races, memories of past anything, possible futures, the what-ifs, the imagine-thats, and other things. Other thoughts just speak louder lately: not good enough, not fast enough, not strong enough, not enough. This is supposed to happen isn’t it; a down for every up, a yang for a yin. I knew this wouldn’t be easy and you can’t win them all. Perhaps this is the low point.

Today was the slowest 10k mid-week run ever, and I had to watch slow joggers run past me (torture), as if my legs belonged to a cripple; not my own. I have to see a specialist quick, the pain prevents me to go any faster than turtle speed currently. Although the heat was mid 90s for a week now, that doesn’t stop me. But for the first time, there is something seriously blocking the “JC_path_to_marathon”. What if I have to give up running for a month to recover, or 2 months? How will I get back on track after such a long break and after investing so much time and effort? Just as always, if I can run at all, then I’ll try. 

Also today, my grandma passed away, my father’s mother. I’ve seen her about 3 times during my youth; she lived to be 96. I don’t know what to feel, it is still sad even if you barely know the person. I imagined what my father might be thinking, or what his childhood was like with her, who was she, my grandma. I know she was loved by many, and lived a long life with her husband (100 years old now, born before world war 1). They were married for 75 years; many people don’t even live that long. I wonder where her spirit goes, where we all go, and where we came from prior to day zero. What does it feel like to separate from your body for good? I was also thinking about how my father, brother and I are the last to carry the family name. How long will they live, how long will I?

So, do we all meet again in the after life? Will we be able to find people we once knew here on Earth as humans? Who knows, God knows, and we do not. So many questions remain unanswered until we die and finally find out. I’m one of those people who believe in destiny. That all of our future actions are determined, we just need to live it out. Whether there is a good reason or no reason for things to happen, they happen. You just have to apply my #1 motto: accept don’t expect. Its been working for me thus far (not being able to finish a marathon will be so hard to accept if it comes to it). I’m also one of those people who believe in dreams, that they are more than just random thoughts that your brain attempts to make sense of. As if they can be something more, like a glimpse into the future, or someone elses past. But they never make sense since they can be quite symbolic, and also hard to recall in general. For some strange reason, I don’t recall any running dreams.

This was such a rambler post, but its all part of the path to the marathon. There will be good days, and bad days, mostly bad days, and some really suck days. But no matter what, you just can’t stop. With no holidays or vacations planned for the rest of the summer, its time to focus and work harder.