The Point of no Return

Another Sunday long run. My preparations were the same, and even ate pasta the night before, alottovit. All long runs start the same for me; with a mental challenge. During the first mile or 2, you wonder if this day will be a good day. You wonder if when you hit the halfway point in your route, have you used more than half of your energy? You worry somewhat whenever you feel a burn in your leg muscle or have some joint pain when you’re not even a quarter through. Or become slightly out of breath during the first 2-3 miles and you just know that its not gonna be fun onwards. Will running ever get easier? I want to enjoy it more, so that the last hour isn’t me being a masochist. This was the worst 17 miles yet.

The route and weather was the same as the previous week, but I finished 1 minute longer. Just one minute difference in a 3 hour span, it might not seem like much, but its the principal. Getting past 17 miles is like pushing a house. I tried REALLY freakin hard this time and expected at least 5 minutes less or 1 mile more. The last mile was torture, even walking hurt. I couldn’t run more than a minute without stopping and growling. I even bought a knee band to alleviate the recent knee pain, which did help some (thanks to Liana, http://runtomunch.wordpress.com/), but still no progress on speed or distance in a whole month.

This pisses me off so much, it messes with my head the whole night. The thoughts that should have never entered my mind actually did. I hated myself. “What if I can’t do this”,”Should I just stick to half marathons”,”Who am I kidding, this isn’t me”,”Jon, you suck”. Noooooooo! But how can I ignore? If the grim reaper has me in a head lock at mile 17, when walking is a challenge, how will I ever run 26.2 miles? Every Sunday its the same. Almost like going backwards when I push harder forwards. Maybe I’m not built for this. I’ve always had chicken legs and often envy the other runners and their calves, even the girls’ calves. Here I am, wishing for girl leg muscles, frustrated, and hopeless.

 <– laying in the grass after 3 hours of running, feeling like a failure

How can I stop now? Well, I can, can’t I. So what if I invested so much into this, running is not my job, its not my life. I would have more free time right? No more leg pains, and no more disappointments. . . . No, no, just stop. Why not? NO. Its against my nature to not finish something; something like this. How to win? Is there a way? And so I did it. I did IT!

I registered for the ING NYC MARATHON 2012!!!

Its the point of no return, no turning back now. No thoughts can shake my resolve because my credit card is gonna get charged $2600 if I don’t start raising money for the “Team for Kids” charity. I’ve tricked myself, and have no choice but to run 26.2. On the bright side, this charity has coaches and many other perks which can help me out. Jon is back!

17 miles down, time to rest now…

One thought on “The Point of no Return

  1. PDX Running Chick March 22, 2012 / 5:07 am

    Yay Jon! Congrats on signing up for the marathon. $2600 will certainly help motivate you, but you got this. Your motivation to get beyond 17 is proof. I love the self talk dialog, some how I thought men didn’t doubt themselves and have the same back and forth with themselves as I do. :). Clearly it’s universal. Enjoy your rest!

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